Gerbilist Preachings
How To Get To Heaven

Being the extremely intelligent person you obviously are for visiting this wonderful page, there is no need to re-explain the reasoning that the reason the Gerbil is our God is that a Gerbil IS God. But in the realization that you are a highly intelligent example of the human race, and armed with the wonderful ability to question what you are told, I will not insult you by expecting you to "just believe." We therefore ask you to please peruse this entire site. Learn all you can about our wonderful religion. And finally submit with no resistance to us and our theology. Send us lots of money also.

Our Epiphany

The remarkable story of the creation of this grand religion begins in the mind of one man, a man named Hacim (HaKeem). The true origins of this remarkable being are unknown, although he is said to have come to us on a cold Christmas day in the 20th Century.
Other than his remarkable wit, intelligence, and charm; this young man had nearly nothing going for him as he began his long tiresome trek through the tortures of life. Then one night, in the midst of a deep dream, Hacim was visited by the messenger of God; a Chinchilla. And the chinchilla spoke unto him:

Micah, ( as the chinchilla always speaks names backwards to remind the follower to be retrospective) the great Gerbil King does not mean for you to run the wheel with the common man, instead he has a very important mission for you to undertake.
And Hacim looked at him with unwavering expression and said "Yes My Lord?"
And the chinchilla replied:
You have been chosen to spread the word of the great benevolent members of the holy family GERBILLUS.

The chinchilla then promptly disappeared leaving Hacim to search his soul for the messages of the great Gerbil King.

The Gerbil Queen

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that the Former gerbil queen Lucie passed away on May 3rd 1996. You may see an archive of her website here. May she run the hamster wheel forever. Unfortunately, Lucie never linked to us from her page, nor did her owner wish to provide us with an heir to the throne. The Gerbil King has since requested a new concubine. If you or someone you know owns a female gerbil that would like to earn international fame and stardom as the Gerbil Queen, we are accepting applications by mailing to

Writings From the Sacred Gerbil

Translated from Hacim 93 "The Book of Gerbil" By BlockHead
  1. God is a Gerbil. This is a proven fact. Why else would there be Zippy the Pinhead, butterflies, rainbows, hamsters, and flowers.
  2. The Supreme Gerbil fashioned the universe after a treadmill.It created all fuzzy creature from it's ideals of beauty. It created humans to take care of the fuzzy ones (to clean, cook, and take out the dirty newspapers) so that the fuzzy creatures would be free from worldly troubles.
  3. Since God is a Gerbil, microwaves are hell, and Richard Gere is the devil(Dick if your reading this it's another Richard Gere that doesn't stick... well never mind).
  4. If you bury a Gerbil (in the prescribed manner described in The Book Of Gerbil) it will rise again in three days.
  5. Gerbils are the superior beings.
  6. Gerbils always look on the bright side of life. (yes Monty Python were Gerbilists)
  7. Evil Gerbils are often reincarnated as one of the more base life forms, most horribly, humans.

Where the hell are the rest?

More writings do exist but they are in the restoration process. You would not imagine how much junk gets on a 3000 year old codex. Check back later.

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ęChurch of the Gerbil 1997