1. What exactly IS The Church Of Gerbil?
The Church of Gerbil is a little known but widely practiced religion which is superior to all others. We simply believe that God is a gerbil and all the mythology which comes with such a statement is therefore adopted.
2. How the hell did this come into existence?
A group of young prophets, far older than they let on, forced together by boredom and the evil one were tuned into the sacred frequencies of the Gerbil King by periodic beatings, noxious bus fumes, and a sadistic physical education program. The church of Gerbil is the result.
3. Who is the leader of this religion?
The master prophet is a "man" named Hacim (Ha- Keem). Hacim is an elusive being whose sexuality is very ambiguous. It does have a beard, however, in a largely Slavic area such as San Pedro a beard does not always determine sexuality.
4. Who are these "Opossum ."
Participating in a great tradition of naming the original 12 or so followers of a religion a special rodent name; the wise Hacim anointed the 12 opossum with Mr. Frosty and it was good. (The scars still remain unfortunately.)
5. What happened to the "old" Church of Gerbil page?
The opossum Ynot Nadroj fell behind in his duties as the voice of the masses and did not update regularly as promised. After being flogged for 40 days with a wet noodle he then began tireless work on this new page. The infamous green gerbil background can, however, be viewed HERE.
6. What kinds of drugs do you do?
None. But we expect to start any day now.
7. Are you some sort of sexual deviant?
This is perhaps the most commonly asked question of all. Now I can't answer for all of us but I don't believe myself to be a sexual deviant (although beauty is in the eye of the beholder). As far as sticking rodents into our rectal cavity I can honestly tell you that NONE of us partake in this practice NOR do we condone it. I would also like to add that doing such a thing is paramount to asking for a ticket to the eternal Kenny G concert in the sky (hell for those of you who actually like adult contemporary).
8. Do you own a gerbil?
No. Unfortunately due to the sexual perversions of certain State Representatives, gerbils are illegal in California. If you are not happy with this PLEASE WRITE YOUR REPRESENTATIVE!!!
9. Can you tell me how to care for my gerbil?
I really have no idea how to care for such a beautiful creature. May I suggest you give it all your best snacks and drop out of school to care for it.
10. Why did you pick the bunny to have a war with?
Well most of that question can be answered in the holy war section. Strangely enough, however, the battle seems to hinge on conflicting views of lime green jello. We believe that lime green jello is a good thing the bunnies have called it evil. That is the problem. Look at The Truth Behind Lme Jello for more information.
11. This crazy guy has been telling me that he is Hacim, should I believe him?
I have received correspondence from Hacim the Holy One stating that he has on repeated occasions tried to make his identity known to certain persons, to no avail. If you think you have met the High Holy One mail me I will confirm or deny.
12. Why haven't you replied to my mail?
see #5. we will try and be better in the future.
13. What is the Richard Gere connection?
Dick Gere is the devil. (this is some other richard gere heheh... that's the ticket)
14. I don't understand why microwaves are hell?
1992 saw, among other things, the great rodent massacre of Dodson Jr. High. This massacre was instrumental in the creation of mythic structures in the church and it was an all around bad thing. During the massacre gerbils were placed in a microwave and left to *pop* chinchillas were beheaded. Rats were drowned. It was an all around bad thing. Since the holy creature died in the microwave, it was obvious to us that microwaves, when one is inside them, are truly hell on Earth.
15. Why didn't you answer MY question?
We don't like you. Really though just mail us your questions to email@example.com under the subject of GERBIL FAQ and we will try to answer them and update this as frequently as possible. (I promise)
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ęChurch of the Gerbil 1997-2001